Then Sings My Soul in Silence

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Not that I haven't have opportunities… if you follow Adam's blog you'd see he's still been posting (even if he is a few weeks behind). I've just been lacking the motivation. I've thought up a few topics for posts such as:

my aversion to killing bugs,

characteristics of the different states,

our time in New York City,

the week my brother hiked with us,

sexism,

mental illness and the possibility that I have one,

an encyclopedia of hiker terms,

what it's like to be a female, married thru-hiker,

the books I've been reading,

how my pursuit of "Nepsis" is faltering,

and my bad memory.

If any of those sound interesting, please feel free to request one in a comment at the bottom of this entry. If not, I hope you enjoy the silence. I really have been enjoying this time of mindlessness while on the trail. I haven't been thinking such lofty thoughts or agonizing (or seething) about any topics recently. I've just been walking. And walking. And staying in the occasional hotel (the one we're staying at tonight, Hanover Inn, is real nice and fancy - a treat in honor of our having been married two whole years today!). And walking. We've just entered New Hampshire and are heading into the White Mountains soon… then the hundred-mile wilderness… then Katahdin! We only have about a month left (depending on if we can attend some friends' wedding in Maryland on the 23rd).

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,

and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.

When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur,

And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration.

And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

The words of the second verse of this song were inscribed on a plaque in one of the shelters we visited. How fitting.

Highlights from the first half, part 2

This is the second installment in the series "Highlights." We have now hiked half of the entire Appalachian National Scenic Trail!

Day 44, mile 497.9: The Grayson Highlands are our go-to "favorite part of the trail" when people ask. As I've said before, I truly enjoy balds. You can see for miles up there, and it gives you a short break from all the trees. It's so rewarding to finally reach the top of a long climb, come out into a clearing, and be able to see where you've come from and where you're going. There were also giant rock formations here and there which were fun to climb through and around. What made this bald area so wonderful were the wild ponies. Although wild ponies and horses are not actually native to the Americas, quite a while ago settlers let loose ponies in the Chincoteague area (not the area we were in, but my family did vacation/camp on the island when we were younger, and the ponies were great). In order to maintain the balds in the area of Southern Virginia we were in, they brought some of the Chincoteague ponies to Grayson! So although they were "wild," they were not so wild, and didn't mind us walking up to them to get pictures (we even pet a few before we ran into the sign that said we'd be fined if we pet them! Oops!). One of them even came up to us at a shelter we stopped at and harassed me for food. It must have been well trained by other hikers, but you would also get fined if you fed them (something I would never do anyways). I did not fall for it's antics though, and had to shove it's face out of my open backpack at one point, but it did look adorable, all pregnant and sleepy. It ended up standing right next to me, resting it's head on the table and snoozing!

Day 51, mile 607.8: We stopped by a little store .5 miles off the trail for some cold sodas and then continued on to a nice camping spot near some falls. The trail actually does not go by very many falls. It used to, but as they've been relocating the trail (on ATC owned land), they started bypassing the waterfalls and good views. You usually need to hike at least half a mile, usually more, off the trail to see these great things, so many of them we just walk by. These falls were under a mile off the trail, and had camping spots, so we decided to camp there for the night. The creek was relatively wide, with the bed being of solid rock - my favorite find of water bed. Adam climbed down the falls and swam in the pool below, but it was way too cold for me. The cold hurt my feet! But it was beautiful.

Day 52, mile 620.9: Woods Hole Hostel is one of my favorites so far on the trail. Although the hostel itself wasn't much to speak of, Woods Hole itself was amazing! The couple who ran the place used the old cabin as a resort/bed and breakfast type place, but they were also an organic farmstead. They had pigs and goats as well as a garden. They also offered massages, sauna, meditation, yoga, and home cooked meals. I loved this place so much because it's a lot like something I would like to run at some point in my life. Luckily Adam shares this dream: running a Christian retreat center that is also a sustainable farm. I'd like to grow all our own food, create our own power (living off the grid! woot woot), recycle/reuse everything (no landfills for us), while also offering a monestary-esc setting for individuals or groups looking to spend time seeking the Lord.I would also like to offer yoga with Christian meditation as well as a hostel for hikers or explorers in whatever area we end up being in (hopefully overseas).

Day 53, mile 638: This was actually a pretty tough day for us, we hiked for a while after a late start leaving Woods Hole, into the next town to resupply. I was unaware of the time (thinking it was quite a few hours earlier than it was), and when an older couple approached us offering to take us home with them for a nice, free, relaxing evening, Adam was confused. I took his confusion for lack of interest and a desire to hike those next 7 miles we had planned. We declined, much to our later dismay when he found out it was free and I found out it was 5:30pm. The seven mile hike up the steep mountain was torture, especially because we kept thinking of what a great time our friend Dawg was probably having in our stead. HOWEVER! Although it was mostly horrible, we were just reaching the shelter on the top of the mountain as the sun was setting. It was the most beautiful sunset I've seen thus far on the trail (actually the only one, since we usually crawl in our sleeping bag right before sunset). Plus we were reunited with fellow hiker friends we hadn't seen in a while, so it ended us being alright. By the time Dawg caught up with us to gush about how nice it was, we had already come to terms with our loss and it didn't sting as much.

Day 55, mile 695.8: We hiked up to the top of a ridge-line called the Dragon's Back. Fun, right? I enjoyed imagining the rocks to be giant scales as we tiptoed over the back of this sleeping dragon. At the other end of the ridge-line is the Dragon's Tooth. These are two large monoliths - extremely tall, broad, yet skinny slabs of stone rising from the "Dragon" at a 90 degree angle. We climbed to the top of one of them - kinda scary, but lots of fun and great views. The most fun for me though was the "hike" down the mountain. You might think hiking the AT is just walking, but this was rock climbing. It was a challenging change of pace from our regular hiking. I couldn't help wishing my brother, Josiah, was there hiking that section with us, because I'm sure he would have enjoyed it.

Day 64, mile 800: While hiking we sometimes come across abandoned buildings, ruins, or old rock walls, and I find myself wondering about who might have lived there and what their life was like. Through one section of valley, someone went through the bother to put up displays telling us about the former valley dwellers of "Brown Mountain." They were recently freed slaves, given this valley land to farm and work in. I can't imagine having to farm this valley - the mountain side was somewhat steep, by now covered in trees. Apparently, they farmed the land but had to rent a team from nearby neighbors, who could get up to 50% of the profits. It sounds like these freed slaves had a very hard life, so no wonder they sold the land and moved on. I appreciated the attempt to remember these hard lives.

Day 66, mile 819.3: I loved Spy Rock. On a short side trail, we had to climb up a  large rock to get to this beautiful view. It was about the size of a three-story Applebees (I know, bad comparison, but I couldn't think of anything else to compare it to that you readers might be able to imagine). The top of the rock was above the treeline, and we could see for miles in every direction - a perfect panorama. Unfortunately, it being a holiday weekend, all the weekenders (my term for weekend campers) were also on top of Spy Rock. I imagined myself buying the land there, putting a little cabin below the rock (and planting a garden there) and building a small platform on top of the rock for tea, prayer, and yoga. Then I could have the rock to myself. Sounds great, right?

Day 68, mile 838.7: Devil's Backbone Brewpub let us hikers tent in their backyard. It was a lot of fun to hang out there with some great hiker friends, Dawg, North Star, Vooooo Doooooo, the Kallin Family, and Oconee. We also got a free beer from a former thru-hiker who recognized us as hiker trash. I was also a little jealous of all the nice dressed, pretty smelling, non-hiker gals. 

Day 72, mile 857.9: We stayed at a Lutheran Church Hostel our last night in Waynsboro, VA. We ate some free food, which was followed by a Vespers service. I had really been missing church lately. We usually are not in town on Sunday mornings, so I hadn't been to a church service since Easter Sunday. The service was very short. We sang a few hymns (he let the hikers pick which ones), and he gave a short message which I enjoyed very much. He talked about how in today's society people don't walk, unless it's to or from a car. He mentioned a few scriptures that talked about Jesus walking, and how when we walk, we come into contact with people, instead of everyone being closed off in our separate cars. Our society and our ministry hurt from this separation, and he urged us to not forget our time on the trail and how important walking is once we return to "regular" life.

Days 73-78, mile 858.8-962: The Shenandoah's were pretty nice. The trail was easy and there were lots of stops for food. We only had to carry a day's worth of food (sometimes only two meals, really) since we could re-supply at campground stores. We also saw ten bears (and an eleventh right after we left the park), so that was a plus. The first ones we saw were so cute though - a mother bear with two tiny cubs, each only about the size of a house cat! We came upon them as the mother was showing the cubs how to find and eat ants under large stones on the path. Too cute.

Day 82, mile 1019.6: Harper's Ferry was alright. I didn't realize it was such a tourist town, but every building is either a museum or a souvenir shop. It was fun to learn about the history, especially about John Brown and the first African American college (two separate things in the same town). We also got to go to church there since we got in early on Sunday morning! Woot woot! We stayed at the Teahorse Hostel, which is one of my favorites on the trail. It was soooooo clean (a rare trait for a hostel); the showers were warm; there were sheets on the beds; and a free waffle breakfast in the morning (not my favorite breakfast food, but I can't complain about free food, especially since they woke up extra early just because we were leaving on an early train). They also gave us a ride to the train!

Day 83-85: I loved visiting DC. We took that commuter train in from Harper's Ferry and got there nice and early Monday morning. We visited a bunch of museums, the zoo, a few monuments, a bunch of great eateries, and got caught up watching Modern Family! It was also wonderful to visit with family: Adam's brother, Austin, and his wife, Theresa live there, so we were able to stay with them in there super sweet house. I think all houses should be like the ones in Washington, D.C. They are all two-to-four stories tall, connected to all the other houses on the block, skinny but deep. They don't take up nearly as much space as suburbs do (I'm not a fan of urban sprawl), yet everyone gets a front and back lawn (or patio if they don't want a garden or grass. I'm also not a fan of unused grass). Stairs help people stay fit, and if someone can't take stairs for medical reasons, they could get a personal elevator (haha, great solution, right?).

Day 87-88, mile 1092.6: Half-way point! The actual half way point wasn't too exciting - just a small laminated piece of paper telling us we had made it, stuck on a stick, but still more than I was expecting. We were at the very end of a long day, so I just sat there (after doing a very short "half-way celebration" dance). Harper's Ferry is more of the emotional half-way point (everyone always says it's half-way, even though it's 90ish miles short), so I by the time I actually got half-way I wasn't super excited. We sheltered three miles past, but then in the morning we had to tackle the HALF-GALLON CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!! The much anticipated ice-cream gorging. We were fantasizing about different types of ice cream leading up the challenge. I got Moose-tracks while Adam got Chocolate Peanut Butter - a mistake on his part. He only got 1/3 of the way through the half-gallon. I, however, was victorious! And I felt very sick. It was horrible. I don't know why anyone would celebrate getting half-way anywhere by torturing themselves. I swore I would never eat ice cream again (though here I am, a few days later, having just eaten a "small" (12oz) ice cream). If you are ever thinking about doing something as foolish as this, I have a few suggestions. 1: Don't get moose tracks. The fudge swirls were WAY too sweet. 2: try to get a few different flavors (pints instead of one half-gallon). You'll get really sick of the same flavor. I could barely force myself to put spoonfuls of the sticky-sweet stuff in my mouth. Apparently, a lot of people throw up before finishing. I did not, but I almost wish I had. My stomach hurt all day, so we cut our hike short and stayed in a hotel... which was actually kind of nice. It was a nice hotel with an attached bar that actually broadcast a World Cup game! So sure, do a half-gallon challenge if only to go to a nice hotel, eat fish-and-chips, and watch soccer.

Highlights from the First Half, part 1

Day 3, mile 29.3: Blood Mountain was so beautiful. The top of the Mountain was huge slabs of rock, and you could see for miles in all directions. It would have been nice to camp up there are watch the sunset/sunrise, but the park it was in required overnight hikers to use bear canisters, which are heavy and expensive. We decided to hike through the park, and, although we woke up at 4am, we still barely missed seeing the sunrise from the top of the mountain. It was still wonderful, and we were excited about heading down the mountain into Neel Gap - our first bit of civilization since starting the trail.


 Day 6, mile : Indian Grave Gap would have been just another gap with a dirt road winding through it. We were a few miles from the shelter we were staying at for the night, and it was just about dinner time when we came across the best trail magic we have hit yet! An older couple had set up a short order grill, and we got burgers and grilled chicken made to order, as well as fruit, salad, cookies, soda, and many more treats! It was truly wonderful; the only downside was that after having stuffed ourselves we had to climb to the top of a mountain. The climb was very tough.

Day 7, mile 69.6: Blueberry Patch Hostel welcomed us after a hard day of hiking. Gary and Linnie turned their garage workshop into the perfect hiker haven. We were even lucky enough to get a two person bunk, perfect for that two person sleeping quilt we have. I already mentioned them in my blog, and here's a part of what I said then, "What truly amazed me was the generosity of this couple. They were the most genuine, kind, humble, and hospitable people I have ever met. There are a testament to how when you find your identity in Christ it frees you to be truly generous without thought or worry of self-preservation. God is taking care of these people so that they can in turn take care of tired AT hikers. Many Christian ministries still worry about taking care of their things, preventing them from being truly hospitable. But when you see all good things as being gifts from God, and knowing they belong to God, not you or your ministry, you don't have to worry. That is true Christian hospitality, and a perfect example of Christian charity."

Day 16-21, mile 167.1-237.2: Just a few days ago, some section hikers we asking some of us thru hikers about the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Every thru hiker that piped up said it was a horrible section of trail. I can see why they would say this: the Smokies are wild. They are the highest mountains on the trail, and being at such an altitude lends itself to treacherous weather. While we were there it rained half the time, was foggy and cold the other half, and it even snowed a few times. They are not welcoming, but that's what I love about the Smokies. The Great Smoky Mountains will not be tamed. They are wild and free. If you want to hike through them, go right ahead, but be prepared for the worse. These mountains command respect. There is so much beauty there, but it is not easily grasped. The forests are diverse, the trees tall, the moss thick, the fog unsettling. Welcome to the Wild!

Day 22, mile 240: Although I highly respect the Smokies, I was glad to leave them and head to our friends' Gabe and Becky's house. It was wonderful to finally meet them, and they were very hospitable. We took a much need day of rest there are were able to hang out and catch up. We also got to see The Grand Budapest Hotel while we were there, and it was a good movie.

Day 27, mile 273.9: Hot Springs was, if I remember correctly, the first town the AT actually goes straight through. The AT actually goes right down main street, over the railroad tracks and over the French Broad River. We took a nero there (not quite a zero [zero miles for the day]), and were able to meet up with other hiker friends as well as get good food!

Day 32-33, mile 341.5: Although we didn't actually go into Erwin, TN, it still makes the cut. This is where my parents came and picked us up, and we were able to spend Easter with them in a nice hotel. It was encouraging to see my parents again, and this is where I found out Sarah was getting married! Woot woot! It was also nice to go to church, since we're rarely in town on a Sunday morning. I'm finding that I'm really missing going to church while being on the trail.

Day 35-36, mile 376-387: I really love balds - mountains that are covered in grass on the tip-tops, instead of trees. On balds you can actually see around you to the other mountains - such beautiful views. The Highlands of Roan amazed me. There are quite a few mountains in these highlands, and they are almost all balds. I loved walking through the high grass, being able to see so far, and imagining cows and horses grazing; that's what they used to be used for, and they still use cows and sheep to maintain the balds. Without maintenance, the balds would eventually become forest once again.

Day 41-42, 267: Damascus was a big milestone in my mind. We had finally hit Virginia (1/4 of the trail is in this state). We spend two neros and one zero here, resting, reading, hanging out with trail friends, and eating great food! Towns are always nice, especially when it's been a long time since your last shower!

Commitment to Christ and the Role of the Church

"In my meeting with John Eudes [Nouwen's Spiritual Adviser] today I asked him about total commitment to Christ. During the past few weeks I have often had a sudden glimpse of the reality of being unconditionally committed to Christ, of total surrender to him. In that glimpse I also saw how divided I still am, how hesitantly I commit myself, with what reluctance I surrender. I realized how totally new my life would be if I made Christ my only concern and at the same time how really 'old' my life still is. I often say to myself, 'I am very interested in Christ but also in many other things.' That shows how uncommitted I am..." (Nouwen)

If only this weren't true of myself... but I wonder if it really is possible to reach total commitment. Especially being married, I find that I am still concerned with things of this world. There are many good biographies and works of saints that show this total commitment to Christ. That Oneness is something I have always coveted yet been unable to grasp. These stories of saints are almost all stories of unmarried martyrs, so I am unsure how to relate their experiences with my own, married life. The church has a history of praising unmarried saints while ignoring the work of married couples. This alienates the life of martyrdom from the lives of most everyday people and fails to give good examples and guidance for us married Christians on how to live unconditionally devoted to Christ. I have found most contemporary Christian books on marriage to be too watered down with the things of this world, and thus, do not encourage me to live the radical, committed-to-Christ lifestyle I desire. I am not blaming the Church or modern Christian authors for my lack of commitment and divided soul; this is a problem of being a human living in a fallen world, but I wish the Church better equipped us to live in the world but not be of the world.

Paranioa, Rejection, and Opinions

I got sick back in Glasgow, VA, with what I thought was food poisoning. My standards for what I will put in my body has dropped way too low! Since Adam didn't get sick (we thought it was because he was smart enough not to eat what I had eaten), I did not think it was Noro-virus. Unfortunately, a week later, Adam got sick as well, so now we've spent two, and will be spending one more, days in Waynsboro, VA, right before Shenandoah National Park (the last 100 miles of Virginia!). Most hikers get Noro-virus once while on the trail. It's really just a one-to-two day stomach bug, but it's still no fun! We spent all of yesterday laying in bed (although I'm not still sick, I really haven't felt 100% since I got sick last week, so I didn't complain!).

I've been a bit paranoid that my No Changes Necessary post would alienate some of my friends. I don't actually know how many of my friends read this blog, so maybe I have no need to worry. I have always had an insane desire to please, which I now believe is rooted in a fear of rejection. Not that I've ever really felt truly rejected - I have always felt completely safe and loved by my family. Theoretically, I assumed that if you have loving and nurturing parents, you wouldn't worry about rejection, but that is not the case. All growing up, I was extremely shy. Pre-Jr. High only had a few friends, and I would always feel rejected if they didn't want to hang out with me. In High School I had lots of friends, but I was only close to a few, and the rest I failed to make an effort to grow closer to based out of my fear that they wouldn't find me interesting or like me.

I am not sure what it was about me that made my few close friends growing up to become such good friends. I am not sure why Sarah and Michelle approached me back when we were so young, because there is no way I approached them, as shy as I was! Looking back, I am so thankful for their friendships! It amazes me that these two beautiful, outgoing, joyous girls have stuck by me all these years. Thank you. As for my relationships with guys, I have never been dumped because I would never allow myself to be interested in any guys that didn't show a complete interest in me.

All my years, I have been so concerned with self-preservation that I would act in whatever way I thought my friends wanted me to act. Even now, I'm pretty sure that most of my pre-college friends don't realize what a nut I am! When I got to college, I found out that I barely knew who I was. I'm always reminded of the scene in the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts realizes that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs prepared because she would always order them however her man at the time would order them. As silly as that sounds, that was totally me.

In college, I finally felt free to discover who I was, and I found out that I actually do have a lot of opinions! And most of them are considered kind of radical. As seen in No Changes Necessary, I'm convicted about how I change my appearance - realizing that, for myself, there is a tension between my desire to look beautiful and my desire to be wholeheartedly devoted to God. I try not to eat meat at restaurants or buy it in the store because of how inhumanely those animals (God's creation) are treated. I try not to buy clothes at department stores because of how inhumanely the factory workers are treated in third-world countries (it gets hard to stomach seeing "Made in Cambodia" tags once you actually meet and talk with some of these Cambodian women stuck in these horrible jobs with little pay, no job security, forced overtime, inhumane conditions, and unlikely to ever see their families again). Same with most foods - harvested in Mexico, Guatemala, Indonesia, Nicaragua, even the US, etc. We gave away our car when we left for the trail because we're convicted about using it - the oil wars, the pollution, and even being alienated from other people in everyone's separate cars. I support raising the minimum wage, especially after realizing that most people working at minimum wage are not actually teenagers! They're middle age men and women (who I worked alongside while at Target for the past 1.5 years) who could not afford higher education and are stuck working for $8 an hour trying to support their families, which means they must rely on welfare to feed their families, even though they're working 35-40 hours a week (or more, since many of them have to have two jobs). And yes, I voted for the Green Party candidate in the last elections (not that I affiliate myself with or support everything they stand for, but I don't particularly care for any political party).

I know I have a lot of convictions that many of my friends don't share, and that's okay. If I were to only be friends with people who thought the same as me, I would really be missing out. I love it that my friends have opinions that are different from my own, and I think it says a lot about how good these friendships are - way more important and stronger than our political views. And yes, although Michelle might be a republican and Sarah might not support raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour, we still all support each other, and that is the true meaning of sisterly-love.

Nature's Nectar

More edibles we've been adding to our diet: mint (I forgot to add this one to the last list), chives, sassafras, tart hearts, strawberries, and clover nectar.

I still remember the first time I tried sassafras root. My dad and I were at daddy-daughter camp that week. We took a canoe trip over to the other side of the lake where my dad dug up a root for me to try. Too bad we sent back our camp cup, or else I'd try making some sassafras tea!

Tart hearts is the name Adam came up with for this plant since I didn't know the name of what I was trying to feed him. They look like clovers, but the leaves are perfect hearts, and, yes, they're a bit tart. They're a nice little snack while you're hiking. I believe it was my Grandma Wicker that showed me these gems.

The morels seem to be done for the season down here, and we haven't seen any ramps lately either.

We tried our first wild strawberries of the season a few days ago! Although they were very red (and very tiny), they didn't taste so great - more like watered down strawberry smoothie. I'm really looking forward to raspberries, black raspberries, blackberries, apples, pears, blueberries, and mulberries in our future! I keep pointing out the plants to Adam, and he keeps getting excited thinking there's already fruit on them! Not yet, but soon :) I'm really missing having my own garden this year, but these wild edibles will have to suffice.

Maintain My Zeal

"Do not conform outwardly to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind." (Romans 12)

During our zero in Daleville, I watched a lot of TV (first time since getting on the trail, thank goodness!) while resting up in our hotel room. By the end of our time there I could really feel myself getting sucked back in by the world. "Say Yes to the Dress" had me wishing I had spent more time, effort, and money looking for my perfect wedding dress two years ago (and I don't even like shopping, hence why I bought the first dress I tried on when I got back from Guate). Looking at all the celebrities and models on the commercials had me wishing my face looked more unique and stunning. Laying in a bed made me wish for more material comforts. We were only off the trail for one day, and I already lost sight of who I want, and should, be! Living intentionally takes much more intentionality than I'm apparently giving it. 

"True contemplatives, then, are not the ones who withdraw from the world to save their own souls, but are the ones who enter into the center of the world and pray to God from there." (Genesee Diary).

I see this hike as a type of sabbatical, taking time off from the "real world" to focus on my spiritual life/relationship with God. It can be very beneficial to "withdraw from the world" for a period of time, if only to prepare me to face the world head on when the time comes. After suffering from burnout in my college years, a good summer of doubt before graduation, and a few lazy years of recuperation, this hike comes at a good time. I look forward to jumping back into the thick of the world when I return. Hopefully I will learn how to maintain my zeal after the trail.

"Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold." (Romans 12)

No Changes Necessary

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:24-25.


I've been thinking a lot about how I want to live after the trail. As of now, it looks like we'll be moving to New York City in the Fall for a bit, and I've been envisioning my everyday life: wake up at 5am, one hour of yoga/meditation/prayer, 30 minutes of Bible reading with a cup of tea, and a healthy breakfast, go to work (either bicycle or mass transit - gave my car to Josiah already), work wherever I find work, hopefully in refugee support or teaching English as a Second Language (We're getting certified when we get back thanks to a groupon discount), hang out with roommates Jacob and Jenna, maybe a double date once a week?, and go to bed around 9pm so I can get my full 8 hours of sleep. Take Spanish classes. Drink wine. Try out a Vegan diet. Cut gluten. etc. Sounds great, eh? haha This was also my plan when we moved to G-Rap, but that didn't happen... but I'll try harder in NYC.


I've also been debating with myself about how I will dress or look when I get out of the woods. Will I get rid of most my clothes? Will I wear makeup? Will I look stylish, or will I not care? Looking good, for me, has always been deeply connected to both vanity and finding my identity and value in how I look. I wish I could say that wasn't so, but I notice a difference in the way people treat me based on if I made myself up or if I just rolled out of bed, pulled my hair up, and put on a t-shirt and jeans, and I like being noticed. I also believe that style can just be expressing creativity and art, which I would say is a good, God given expression. But what does the Lord desire of me? Those verses in John 12 really make me wonder what it means to hate your life in this world/ There are many things of this world that make me sick, but what about my own vanity? Will wearing makeup and dressing nice get in the way of me dying to self, picking up my cross, and following Jesus? Will it make me less like Jesus to care how I look? I want to life wholeheartedly for Him, but I've still got one foot firmly planed in the world.


Nouwen was also thinking about how he would live his life out of the monastery, and for a while he thought about donning the monk's robes in his everyday life to live simply. He spiritual advisor told his it would not be a good idea, because he would be making a spectacle of himself. Although I do not want to make a spectacle of myself, I also don't want to get drawn into what society thinks is beautiful. At one of the shelters, someone left an issue of Cosmopolitan. I had never read one before, but any kind of reading material is usually welcome on the trail (a few shelters ago someone had left a Backpacking magazine and a greatest adventures from Time magazine. Those were great!). What a culture shock! All about makeup, hair, Botox, and clothing. The underlying message was that women are not beautiful the way God made them, but they can be if they just... changed their hair, tried different makeup, wore nicer clothes, got injections under their eyes to reduce dark areas or puffiness, got boob jobs (the actress who plays Penny on The Big Bang Theory and was the cover for this issue says that her boob job she got at 18 was the best decision she ever made), and the list continues. The most absurd  page was one where, at the top, it had a picture of a news crew with red pen marks circling what they would photoshop if the picture was in Cosmo, and, right underneath in big letters, it said "Love Yourself." Could they send more of a mixed message?!?!? I was so angry by the time I got through skimming it. They have articles about how women should be more confident, but then they tell them they aren't good enough as they are. And although I would never go to the extreme of getting a boob job, I will admit that injecting some fat under my eyes is an idea I've played with. It's annoying and embarrassing to explain that, "no, I don't have a black eye, and no, I have gotten enough sleep, I just have thin skin under my eyes that create dark shadows." But I don't want to fall into that trap! I am perfect just the way God made me, and I wish our culture didn't put so much pressure on women to be "perfect." Our culture has already got me shaving my legs and under my arms, but I really wish people would admire and accept women (and men) the way they were made. No changes necessary.

What an Experience

"Certain experiences may be transmitted by language, others - more profound - by silence... Never mind. Who says that experiences are made to be shared? They must be lived. That's all. And who says that trust is made to be revealed? It must be sought. That's all." (The Genesee Diary). I would love to share my experience on the Trail with everyone back home, but there is so much here that I cannot begin to express. This hike means more to me than just what I publish on my blog, but in order to discover the wonders of living in the woods for 6 months, you all need to try this yourself!




Edibles we've been adding to our diet: ramps (wild leeks), dandelion leaves, violets (both leaves and flowers), morel mushrooms.




We saw a tiny, two inch long black snake yesterday, with a yellow band around its neck. It was pretty cute, and Adam kept saying it was a worm. We also got to see wild ponies! So cute (pictures on Adam's blog). One of them had been well trained by previous hikers; when we sat at the shelter for a midmorning snack, it moseyed its way over to beg for food. It tired going through my open pack, so I had to shut it or it might have taken off with my gloves!

Trees, Trail Magic, and Fear

A few days ago, as I was trying to practice prayer without ceasing, I realized (as I often do) that my mind was following two lines of thought - one of the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me) and one of my own scattered thoughts of little consequence. I then remembered Nouwen's Spiritual Advisor's advice to "be interested in... the varieties of trees." I started studying the different types of bark on the trees around me while also saying the Jesus Prayer, and it went well. I hope to eventually learn the names of the different types of trees that belong to all those interesting types of bark since I don't know many of them. I just need to be careful to not make a project out of it!

Yesterday, we came across three instances of trail magic. If you're not aware of what trail magic is, it's when nice people come out to the trail (usually where it crosses a road) and give out free food and drinks to hikers! It's a great thing. Our first experience with trail magic was in Georgia, at Indian Grave Gap, and it was amazing! Fresh fruit, veggies, almost any drink you could think of, boxes of candy bars, and fresh grilled hamburgers, chicken, or veggy burgers! They really spoiled us, and raised our expectations a little too high. The trail magic we happened upon yesterday consisted of a bear box full of empty pop bottles and wrappers. The second was a guy in a jeep offering water and crackers. The third was a cardboard box with sodas in it. The guy in the jeep (Polar Bear) was very friendly, and the snacks and water were great, but he also gave me something else - a fear of snakes! I know there are a lot of snakes in the area, but we've only seen two so far. After talking to Polar Bear, I figured out that the second one we saw was a diamondback! Yeash... not a fan of poisonous snakes.  The rest of our hike that day my nerves were on edge. I jumped at every rustling leaf and skirted past piles of rocks filled with fear. Thankfully, most of that fear has dissipated. I would must rather have someone warn me about bears! Those giant, cute, cuddly, racoons! haha haven't seen any of those yet... well, I've got to get off now; rummers of tornadoes in the area!

Saving Grace and a Wedding

I do not fully understand God. I know that Jesus paid it all, gave His life as a sacrifice to redeem and set free all people. Yet my heart is breaking for all those who choose not to believe, have been hurt by Christians, and live for themselves. I want to believe that "love wins" and the Lord gives grace to all. I know His heart is breaking so much more than my own. He created and called each individual by name to have a relationship with Him. How can He stand to see any of the children whom He loves go to hell? I do not know the mind and heart of the Lord fully, and although my heart is breaking for all these hikers I am meeting, I trust God, for I know that He is good, even if it doesn't always seem that way to me. These people don't know that God loves them. Part of what makes this so heart wrenching is how aware I have become of God's glory in other people. Even if someone doesn't know the Lord, they are still created in the likeness of God, and they still are the glory of God. They still have many good qualities, and continue to remind me of our Creator and of how much He loves them. Nouwen also noticed this growing awareness of the good in people as a result of solitude (I get a lot of that on the trail, even if I am walking right behind or before Adam. Also, what's one of my blog posts without a quote from Nouwen?!? It would seem incomplete without sharing one of his insights). "I am becoming more and more aware that solitude indeed makes you more sensitive to the good in people and even enables you to bring it to the foreground. No, 'there is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun' but God's glory in you can bring out God's glory in the other when you have become more conscious of this shared gift."

On a much happier note than going to hell, I found out a few days ago that one of my best friends growing up is getting married this October! Woot woot! I am giddy with excitement! Being farther removed from "everyday life" makes these occasions real joys. I have more room in my heart and emotions for her joy now that I'm living on the trail. It has been very beneficial for me to be out here in nature, able to focus on what I feel is important and simplifying my life.

Questions Answered

The last few days I've had three of the ongoing questions in my head answered!

1) When Professor Turtle (someone's trail-name), who is far ahead of us, writes in the journals left at each shelter, he sometimes writes a fun nature fact along with his name. I read one that informed me of what kind of trees/bushes we've been seeing. There are these shrubs with flat, glossy, year-round leaves  that tend to grow in moist areas - usually around streams. If you're out of water, follow these trees to find a source! They are apparently Catawbiense Rhododendron! It feels good to be able to put a name with these plentiful shrubs. 

On a side note, I'm really wishing I knew more about the forest, so I could tell what I was looking at. I'm realizing I know very few names of different types of foliage. I can only separate trees into two catagories: evergreens and not evergreens (to be fair, I can identify some trees, I'm only exaggerating due to my frustration at how little I know). We recently met a man from the U.P. (another Michigander! Woot woot!) who, after he retired, went back to school and got a second Masters in Forestry since he loves being outdoors so much. He is a true wealth of knowledge regarding the forest, and Christianity since his other Masters is in Theology. Quite an interesting guy - very intelligent and a fast talker! He clued me in on my next question:

2) I don't remember if I mentioned this on my blog or not (it's in my journal, though!), but back in Georgia we hiked through about a mile and a half of dead forest leading up to Wayah Bald. I was very puzzled about why it was all dead. Every tree, regardless to type, was nothing but a tall trunk without any branches, covered is various types of mosses. However, there were many young saplings growing up, about to bud. I ruled out acid rain, invasive bugs or plants, fire, frost, storms, and pollution. I couldn't figure out the cause, and it was maddening! Forrester Gump (trail-name of the gentleman I was typing about up there^), believes it is a case of perpetual dieback. He thinks the combination of too much moisture and too little soil causes the trees to continuously die off. 

3) I kept hearing this low, pulsing sound, almost like a helicopter starting up of a bouncy ball being dropped and slowly speeding up. I thought it was something man-made, but it was everywhere! A fellow thru-hiker, ghostbuster, informed me, days after I had gone crazy trying to figure out what the sound was, that it was a grouse! We actually saw one a week or so ago - cute little bird, slowly waddling it's way off the path in front of us. Apparently, it is very rare to see one (although hearing them is a regular occurrence out in the middle of nowhere), but at the time we didn't realize how lucky we were to have spotted one, not 6 feet away!

Expectations

I have been disappointed by how much trash hikers leave around campsites and shelters: dirty hats and shirts, broken tent poles, lots of food wrappers, and hand warmers. I had expected other hikers to love nature (why else would you be out here?), but not all of them do. Some people are out here to get away from responsibility - no job, no school, no family. Younger hikers especially seem to be out here to have a good time - hang out with friends, new and old, smoke weed, and lots of it, and get drunk when they get into towns. I had expected to find a community of hikers who were out here for more noble reasons or had goals for their trip, which there are many such hikers. I had just expected more of that kind and fewer of the former.

Spring is Here! Friends, Foliage, and Fullness of Life

It was really good to hang out with Gabe and Becky for a few days. It reminded me of the important of community and responsibility to family. It was also great to finally meet them and their two sweet children! They were so kind and hospitable, and for once a child actually liked me more than they liked Adam!!!

The last few days the forest floor has been covered in tiny white and pink five-petaled flowers! Spring is here! The tiny (and not so tiny) green sprouts of plants are my favorite, though. I like how many of their leaves are already formed under the earth, and as they push up out of the dirt they uncurl, unfold, or untwist. What a wonder.

Quote from Nouwen, again (you wouldn't expect any less): "When you find your mind competing again, you might plan on 'empty time' of meditation, in this way interrupting the vicious circle of your ruminations and entering into the depth of your own soul. There you can be with Him who was before you came, who loved you before you could love, and who has given you your own self before any comparison was possible. In meditation we can come to the affirmation that we are not created by other people but by God, that we are not judged by how we compare with others but how we fulfill the will of God." Nouwen wrote this about his struggles with low self-esteem. Although my trouble is actually with high self-esteem, or, rather, pride (not in who I am, but in who I could or will be. Fantasizing about the future, as per usual), meditation is also a great practice to remind me of who I really am. "When I can say with Paul, 'Not I live, but Christ lives in me,' then I no longer need to depend on the attention of others to have a sense of self. Because then I realize that my most important identity is the identity I have received as a grace of God and which has made me a participant in the divine life of God Himself."(Nouwen, again. You can't get away from this guy in my blog!)

Here in Hot Springs we stopped by a Hiker Ministry - just a little building with couches, refreshments, computers, and a shower, all free of charge! The lemon cake and goat cheese where my two favorite snacks there, although the cup of chai was delicious as well (I'm trying to stop drinking coffee...). I grabbed a book off their shelf to look at, something about Women and Nature: Poetry and Photos. As I took a step back to retreat to the couch, I noticed another, much smaller book that had been hiding behind the testament to Woman's artistic, natural side: The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection. Not only was the title regarding my present goal for my hike (Practicing the Presence of God), but it was newly translated by a Delaney! Not just any Delaney, but one that shares the same name as my brother and grandfather - John! And to top it all off, the Foreword was written by none-other than the author of the book I am reading right now - Henri Nouwen! All signs pointed to me snagging this book. I asked, and the hostess looked a little perplexed, but then decided to make the executive decision to give it to me (it wasn't her book or her building, so kudos to her for her courage). I am looking forward to reading it!

Wishy-Washy

I am "a wishy-washy soul, wanting to keep a foot in both worlds" when I am "called to a radical break away from [my]self and a total surrender to God."

I have a very divided soul. I want so much to live a life completely devoted to unity and communion with God, yet the life of the world is so enticing. Choosing to live a life of a monk would not include worldly pleasures - a career, travel, kids. I have already chosen to get married, but what should I do now? I want to possibly pursue counseling and environmental science, but those passions are coming from me. If only I could give all to God, die to self, put to death my own passions to make room for His passions for me. I recently spent some time hiking repeating in my head that life is not meant to be spent following our passions, unless it is the Great Passion - communion with God. But the excitement of the possibilities of the future is almost impossible for me to deny. Although I wish to give my future entirely to God, I cannot control my dreaming.

"My fears and resulting fatigue over the last few years might well be diagnosed as a lack of single-mindedness, as a lack of one-eyedness, as a lack of simplicity. Indeed, how divided my heart has been and still is! I want to love God, but also to make a career. I want to be a good Christian, but also have my successes as a teacher, [writer, counselor, etc]. I want to be a saint, but also enjoy the sensations of the sinner. I want to be close to Christ but also popular and liked by many people. No wonder that living becomes a tiring enterprise. The characteristic of a saint it, to borrow Kierkegaard's words, 'to will one thing.' Well, I will more than one thing, am double-hearted, double-minded, and have a very divided loyalty."

I wish I lived by my convictions. I keep seeing glimpses of how my life could be when I am completely overtaken by God, and it's wonderful. It's crazy to think I would ever want anything else. Yet those glimpses are short-lived, and the "wonders" of the world are constantly surrounding me, calling me back to a lesser life. I need to change my surroundings and find a spiritual mentor.

Moss

We paused to get signal for our phone on a section of the path called the Sawteeth in the Smokies. As I was waiting I studied a section of forest next to the trail. In this four-foot square, we counted at least seven different types of moss. The forest is so beautiful and diverse, but it is often overlooked - even walking is too fast to notice and appreciate the forest.

Making a Project

"First of all, it is certainly very hard not to have such thoughts. Recognize them and let them pass. Secondly, keep doing simple work that can attract your attention. It is good to be interested in different types of rocks, in the songs of the birds, in the varieties of trees, etc. but don't make a project out of it. Just enjoy it and be present to where you are and what you are doing. And, finally, try to find your own rhythm. Ask yourself how much you can [hike] without it making you too tired to pray. It will take you a while to find your balance." - Nouwen's spiritual advisor

When I was reading about the control of thoughts in The Genesee Diary, I, too, wondered how to deal with my daydreams. Nouwen's spiritual advisor while at the monastery suggested enjoying nature, which fits in well to where I am at these days. I started thinking up all these things I should write about what I'm noticing in the forest (this is actually when I decided I should start my own blog). I ended up with this huge list of forest notes, such as beauties of moss, different rocks, birds, etc. All of a sudden, I realized I was turning this "simple work" into a project! I was no longer present to where I was, enjoying where I am at when I am there; I was thinking about the future (again!) - part of me hoping people would be impressed by my blog entries. Oh what a wretched soul am I! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Nepsis

One of my biggest inner challenges, or thorns in my side, is my daydreaming. Not that all daydreaming is bad, but, rather, that my daydreaming is a sign of a deeper spiritual battle. Most of my daydreams consist of conversations or situations where I end up looking intelligent, kind, spiritual, insightful, etc., and whomever I am with in my daydream is impressed by me. Sometimes I do a decent job shutting down these thoughts before they fully develop, but other times I find it hard to resist the seemingly good feeling I get from having others recognize my good qualities. In Nouwen's book, again, there are some good passages related to my struggle. Since starting my hike, I've been trying to focus on "nepsis - the control of thoughts, mental sobriety, spiritual attention directed to God, watchfulness in keeping bad thoughts away and creating free space for prayer."

I recently decided to chose "Nepsis" as my trail name. Some people come to the trail with a trail name already picked out. Others wait for something to happen, usually silly or stupid, that causes other hikers to give you your trail name. There are many Pop Tarts and Snickers due to people liking certain foods, and a few Supertramps, named after Alexander Supertramp of Into the Wild. There are also deeper names, such as one woman we recently meet who chose the name Unity.When talked with her, her husband mentioned that choosing your own trail name is empowering. I had already been thinking about taking the name Nepsis, but I didn't say anything at the time. A few days later, as Adam and I were eating a free breakfast, thanks to First Baptist of Franklin, he mentioned that maybe I should use Nepsis. Calling myself Nepsis will be a constant reminder to practice the spiritual discipline, and, hopefully, by the time we reach Katahdin, I will resemble Christ just a little bit more.

The Genesee Diary

I have also been reading a book our friend Connie gave us by Henry Nouwen called "The Genesee Diary: Report from a Trappist Monastery." While this is his diary during the seven months he lived in, you guessed it, a Trappist monastery, many of his insights are relevant to me. They are helping me more fully realize where I lack and what I need to be focusing on during my hike. This first quote touches on one of my goals during our hike.

"I came to the [Appalachian Trail] to learn to live in the presence of God, to taste Him here and now, but there is so much "ego-climbing" going on within me. I have so many [things I want to do, so many skills I want to learn, so many conversations I want to have with people now and later, so many things I want to prove, so many people I want to impress, so many parts of me I want to perfect] that I do not SEE that God is all around me and that I am always trying to see what is ahead, overlooking Him who is so close. From ego-climbing to selfless climbing; that seems a good ideal for my [hike]. But that is a long way and a high mountain." Nouwen was speaking of his stay in the monastery, but his soul searching was so much like my own that I only exchanged his list of struggles with my own. It is so easy for me to forget God's presence and become self-serving. Being out here in the mountains, God can be very easy to see in the moss, trees, bark, fungi, rocks, etc. But it can also be harder to remember His presence when it is raining or cold.
 
There was another quote Nouwen wrote down from his spiritual guide that is also applicable to my own life recently. "What is so good about this part of the country is that it makes you realize that all good things are gifts of God - when the sun is always shinning you forget that it is God's gift, and you don't pay attention anymore." While living in Grand Rapids, everything was so easy. Our first year and a half of marriage was full of peace and happiness. I started feeling like God was far away though, because I wasn't having crises that forced me to turn to Him. I started resenting Grand Rapids as if it was the city's fault that God wasn't in my life as much as before. It wasn't until reading that last quote that I realized the real problem; I wasn't noticing God's presence, but He was still there. My past year and a half in G-Rap has been a huge blessing for me. God knew I needed the rest from turmoil, and He even knew I wouldn't be thankful for His gift at first, but I am so thankful now for His faithfulness.

Blueberry Patch

Gary and Lennie run a donation-only hostel in Northern Georgia called the Blueberry Patch Hostel as a ministry. The hostel is in what used to be a workshop. Adam wrote more about this beautiful hostel in his blog. What truly amazed me was the generosity of this couple. They were the most genuine, kind, humble, and hospitable people I have ever met. There are a testament to how when you find your identity in Christ it frees you to be truly generous without thought or worry of self-preservation. God is taking care of these people so that they can in turn take care of tired AT hikers. Many Christian ministries still worry about taking care of their things, preventing them from being truly hospitable. But when you see all good things as being gifts from God, and knowing they belong to God, not you or your ministry, you don't have to worry. That is true Christian hospitality, and a perfect example of Christian charity.

Week One Observations: 3/19-25

Day one: The approach trail was covered and lined by pieces of granite, all sizes and colors. It was so beautiful I kept staring at my feet instead of looking up. Day four: Blood Mountain was so beautiful! Huge slabs of rock and huge views! I wouldn't mind living at the top of a place like that! Day Six: You can tell if the trail you are on is a popular one due to hiker tracks - the earth on both sides of the trail is extremely aerated due to hiking poles. Last night, the top layer of soil must have frozen after the water in the dirt did, because there were tiny icicles that had been squeezed out of the dirt. At first I thought they were tiny sprouts of plants, but as you looked closer you could see these one-to-two inch "sprouts" actually looked like clumps of hair, polar bear hair really, since they were so thin and clear.

Here and Now

I keep repeating in my head "I am here. Here is where I want to be." When we first started hiking, it almost didn't seem real. On the second day, I realized that I kept thinking of what was up ahead, and not fully being present where I was at that moment. By repeating those sentences, it forces me to look around and see where I am at, and appreciate the trees and rocks that are right where I am standing. I will probably never see most of those rocks, trees, streams, fungi or moss again. It's a shame to walk right past them without recognizing them for what they are - blessings. Someone once described nature as being the thought of God - God thought it, and it came to be. Nature is so spiritual, yet we walk right by it without acknowledging its spirit.

The second sentence, "Here is where I want to be," is also a good reminder that I really do want to be hiking the AT. Some days are going to be harder than others, but a few days here and there are no reason to get off the trail; indeed, they are all the more reason to stay on the trail! Suffering produces perseverance, and what really is suffering? Walking in the rain? Being cold? No, these physical "trials" are nothing but opportunities for spiritual growth (don't get me wrong, and don't worry mom and dad, we're taking good care of ourselves! I haven't had a single problem with my feet yet and we're into week two! It would be silly to talk about spiritual appreciation of nature while not caring for the bodies God has given us - temples for His spirit). I really hope I remember to be thankful for wherever I am at for the rest of my life! There was another quote in Nouwen's book about accepting where you are because where I am right now is where God wants me to be. I long to always be aware of the presence of God, and this is just one more step to be more conscious.

Pre-AT

Quotes from Walden
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and, not, when I came  to die, discover that I had not lived."

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind."

"The very simplicity and nakedness of man's life in the primitive ages imply this advantage, at least, that they left him still a sojourner in nature... we now no longer camp as for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven."

"It appeared to me that for a like reason men remain in their present low and primitive condition; but if they should feel the influence of the Spring of Springs arousing them, they would of necessity rise to a higher and more ethereal life."

I wrote these quotes down before we left and brought them with me as a reminder of the spirit of my hike. I've already reread them a few times.