Wishy-Washy

I am "a wishy-washy soul, wanting to keep a foot in both worlds" when I am "called to a radical break away from [my]self and a total surrender to God."

I have a very divided soul. I want so much to live a life completely devoted to unity and communion with God, yet the life of the world is so enticing. Choosing to live a life of a monk would not include worldly pleasures - a career, travel, kids. I have already chosen to get married, but what should I do now? I want to possibly pursue counseling and environmental science, but those passions are coming from me. If only I could give all to God, die to self, put to death my own passions to make room for His passions for me. I recently spent some time hiking repeating in my head that life is not meant to be spent following our passions, unless it is the Great Passion - communion with God. But the excitement of the possibilities of the future is almost impossible for me to deny. Although I wish to give my future entirely to God, I cannot control my dreaming.

"My fears and resulting fatigue over the last few years might well be diagnosed as a lack of single-mindedness, as a lack of one-eyedness, as a lack of simplicity. Indeed, how divided my heart has been and still is! I want to love God, but also to make a career. I want to be a good Christian, but also have my successes as a teacher, [writer, counselor, etc]. I want to be a saint, but also enjoy the sensations of the sinner. I want to be close to Christ but also popular and liked by many people. No wonder that living becomes a tiring enterprise. The characteristic of a saint it, to borrow Kierkegaard's words, 'to will one thing.' Well, I will more than one thing, am double-hearted, double-minded, and have a very divided loyalty."

I wish I lived by my convictions. I keep seeing glimpses of how my life could be when I am completely overtaken by God, and it's wonderful. It's crazy to think I would ever want anything else. Yet those glimpses are short-lived, and the "wonders" of the world are constantly surrounding me, calling me back to a lesser life. I need to change my surroundings and find a spiritual mentor.