Nepsis

One of my biggest inner challenges, or thorns in my side, is my daydreaming. Not that all daydreaming is bad, but, rather, that my daydreaming is a sign of a deeper spiritual battle. Most of my daydreams consist of conversations or situations where I end up looking intelligent, kind, spiritual, insightful, etc., and whomever I am with in my daydream is impressed by me. Sometimes I do a decent job shutting down these thoughts before they fully develop, but other times I find it hard to resist the seemingly good feeling I get from having others recognize my good qualities. In Nouwen's book, again, there are some good passages related to my struggle. Since starting my hike, I've been trying to focus on "nepsis - the control of thoughts, mental sobriety, spiritual attention directed to God, watchfulness in keeping bad thoughts away and creating free space for prayer."

I recently decided to chose "Nepsis" as my trail name. Some people come to the trail with a trail name already picked out. Others wait for something to happen, usually silly or stupid, that causes other hikers to give you your trail name. There are many Pop Tarts and Snickers due to people liking certain foods, and a few Supertramps, named after Alexander Supertramp of Into the Wild. There are also deeper names, such as one woman we recently meet who chose the name Unity.When talked with her, her husband mentioned that choosing your own trail name is empowering. I had already been thinking about taking the name Nepsis, but I didn't say anything at the time. A few days later, as Adam and I were eating a free breakfast, thanks to First Baptist of Franklin, he mentioned that maybe I should use Nepsis. Calling myself Nepsis will be a constant reminder to practice the spiritual discipline, and, hopefully, by the time we reach Katahdin, I will resemble Christ just a little bit more.

The Genesee Diary

I have also been reading a book our friend Connie gave us by Henry Nouwen called "The Genesee Diary: Report from a Trappist Monastery." While this is his diary during the seven months he lived in, you guessed it, a Trappist monastery, many of his insights are relevant to me. They are helping me more fully realize where I lack and what I need to be focusing on during my hike. This first quote touches on one of my goals during our hike.

"I came to the [Appalachian Trail] to learn to live in the presence of God, to taste Him here and now, but there is so much "ego-climbing" going on within me. I have so many [things I want to do, so many skills I want to learn, so many conversations I want to have with people now and later, so many things I want to prove, so many people I want to impress, so many parts of me I want to perfect] that I do not SEE that God is all around me and that I am always trying to see what is ahead, overlooking Him who is so close. From ego-climbing to selfless climbing; that seems a good ideal for my [hike]. But that is a long way and a high mountain." Nouwen was speaking of his stay in the monastery, but his soul searching was so much like my own that I only exchanged his list of struggles with my own. It is so easy for me to forget God's presence and become self-serving. Being out here in the mountains, God can be very easy to see in the moss, trees, bark, fungi, rocks, etc. But it can also be harder to remember His presence when it is raining or cold.
 
There was another quote Nouwen wrote down from his spiritual guide that is also applicable to my own life recently. "What is so good about this part of the country is that it makes you realize that all good things are gifts of God - when the sun is always shinning you forget that it is God's gift, and you don't pay attention anymore." While living in Grand Rapids, everything was so easy. Our first year and a half of marriage was full of peace and happiness. I started feeling like God was far away though, because I wasn't having crises that forced me to turn to Him. I started resenting Grand Rapids as if it was the city's fault that God wasn't in my life as much as before. It wasn't until reading that last quote that I realized the real problem; I wasn't noticing God's presence, but He was still there. My past year and a half in G-Rap has been a huge blessing for me. God knew I needed the rest from turmoil, and He even knew I wouldn't be thankful for His gift at first, but I am so thankful now for His faithfulness.

Blueberry Patch

Gary and Lennie run a donation-only hostel in Northern Georgia called the Blueberry Patch Hostel as a ministry. The hostel is in what used to be a workshop. Adam wrote more about this beautiful hostel in his blog. What truly amazed me was the generosity of this couple. They were the most genuine, kind, humble, and hospitable people I have ever met. There are a testament to how when you find your identity in Christ it frees you to be truly generous without thought or worry of self-preservation. God is taking care of these people so that they can in turn take care of tired AT hikers. Many Christian ministries still worry about taking care of their things, preventing them from being truly hospitable. But when you see all good things as being gifts from God, and knowing they belong to God, not you or your ministry, you don't have to worry. That is true Christian hospitality, and a perfect example of Christian charity.

Week One Observations: 3/19-25

Day one: The approach trail was covered and lined by pieces of granite, all sizes and colors. It was so beautiful I kept staring at my feet instead of looking up. Day four: Blood Mountain was so beautiful! Huge slabs of rock and huge views! I wouldn't mind living at the top of a place like that! Day Six: You can tell if the trail you are on is a popular one due to hiker tracks - the earth on both sides of the trail is extremely aerated due to hiking poles. Last night, the top layer of soil must have frozen after the water in the dirt did, because there were tiny icicles that had been squeezed out of the dirt. At first I thought they were tiny sprouts of plants, but as you looked closer you could see these one-to-two inch "sprouts" actually looked like clumps of hair, polar bear hair really, since they were so thin and clear.

Here and Now

I keep repeating in my head "I am here. Here is where I want to be." When we first started hiking, it almost didn't seem real. On the second day, I realized that I kept thinking of what was up ahead, and not fully being present where I was at that moment. By repeating those sentences, it forces me to look around and see where I am at, and appreciate the trees and rocks that are right where I am standing. I will probably never see most of those rocks, trees, streams, fungi or moss again. It's a shame to walk right past them without recognizing them for what they are - blessings. Someone once described nature as being the thought of God - God thought it, and it came to be. Nature is so spiritual, yet we walk right by it without acknowledging its spirit.

The second sentence, "Here is where I want to be," is also a good reminder that I really do want to be hiking the AT. Some days are going to be harder than others, but a few days here and there are no reason to get off the trail; indeed, they are all the more reason to stay on the trail! Suffering produces perseverance, and what really is suffering? Walking in the rain? Being cold? No, these physical "trials" are nothing but opportunities for spiritual growth (don't get me wrong, and don't worry mom and dad, we're taking good care of ourselves! I haven't had a single problem with my feet yet and we're into week two! It would be silly to talk about spiritual appreciation of nature while not caring for the bodies God has given us - temples for His spirit). I really hope I remember to be thankful for wherever I am at for the rest of my life! There was another quote in Nouwen's book about accepting where you are because where I am right now is where God wants me to be. I long to always be aware of the presence of God, and this is just one more step to be more conscious.

Pre-AT

Quotes from Walden
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and, not, when I came  to die, discover that I had not lived."

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind."

"The very simplicity and nakedness of man's life in the primitive ages imply this advantage, at least, that they left him still a sojourner in nature... we now no longer camp as for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven."

"It appeared to me that for a like reason men remain in their present low and primitive condition; but if they should feel the influence of the Spring of Springs arousing them, they would of necessity rise to a higher and more ethereal life."

I wrote these quotes down before we left and brought them with me as a reminder of the spirit of my hike. I've already reread them a few times.