Trees, Trail Magic, and Fear

A few days ago, as I was trying to practice prayer without ceasing, I realized (as I often do) that my mind was following two lines of thought - one of the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me) and one of my own scattered thoughts of little consequence. I then remembered Nouwen's Spiritual Advisor's advice to "be interested in... the varieties of trees." I started studying the different types of bark on the trees around me while also saying the Jesus Prayer, and it went well. I hope to eventually learn the names of the different types of trees that belong to all those interesting types of bark since I don't know many of them. I just need to be careful to not make a project out of it!

Yesterday, we came across three instances of trail magic. If you're not aware of what trail magic is, it's when nice people come out to the trail (usually where it crosses a road) and give out free food and drinks to hikers! It's a great thing. Our first experience with trail magic was in Georgia, at Indian Grave Gap, and it was amazing! Fresh fruit, veggies, almost any drink you could think of, boxes of candy bars, and fresh grilled hamburgers, chicken, or veggy burgers! They really spoiled us, and raised our expectations a little too high. The trail magic we happened upon yesterday consisted of a bear box full of empty pop bottles and wrappers. The second was a guy in a jeep offering water and crackers. The third was a cardboard box with sodas in it. The guy in the jeep (Polar Bear) was very friendly, and the snacks and water were great, but he also gave me something else - a fear of snakes! I know there are a lot of snakes in the area, but we've only seen two so far. After talking to Polar Bear, I figured out that the second one we saw was a diamondback! Yeash... not a fan of poisonous snakes.  The rest of our hike that day my nerves were on edge. I jumped at every rustling leaf and skirted past piles of rocks filled with fear. Thankfully, most of that fear has dissipated. I would must rather have someone warn me about bears! Those giant, cute, cuddly, racoons! haha haven't seen any of those yet... well, I've got to get off now; rummers of tornadoes in the area!

Saving Grace and a Wedding

I do not fully understand God. I know that Jesus paid it all, gave His life as a sacrifice to redeem and set free all people. Yet my heart is breaking for all those who choose not to believe, have been hurt by Christians, and live for themselves. I want to believe that "love wins" and the Lord gives grace to all. I know His heart is breaking so much more than my own. He created and called each individual by name to have a relationship with Him. How can He stand to see any of the children whom He loves go to hell? I do not know the mind and heart of the Lord fully, and although my heart is breaking for all these hikers I am meeting, I trust God, for I know that He is good, even if it doesn't always seem that way to me. These people don't know that God loves them. Part of what makes this so heart wrenching is how aware I have become of God's glory in other people. Even if someone doesn't know the Lord, they are still created in the likeness of God, and they still are the glory of God. They still have many good qualities, and continue to remind me of our Creator and of how much He loves them. Nouwen also noticed this growing awareness of the good in people as a result of solitude (I get a lot of that on the trail, even if I am walking right behind or before Adam. Also, what's one of my blog posts without a quote from Nouwen?!? It would seem incomplete without sharing one of his insights). "I am becoming more and more aware that solitude indeed makes you more sensitive to the good in people and even enables you to bring it to the foreground. No, 'there is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun' but God's glory in you can bring out God's glory in the other when you have become more conscious of this shared gift."

On a much happier note than going to hell, I found out a few days ago that one of my best friends growing up is getting married this October! Woot woot! I am giddy with excitement! Being farther removed from "everyday life" makes these occasions real joys. I have more room in my heart and emotions for her joy now that I'm living on the trail. It has been very beneficial for me to be out here in nature, able to focus on what I feel is important and simplifying my life.

Questions Answered

The last few days I've had three of the ongoing questions in my head answered!

1) When Professor Turtle (someone's trail-name), who is far ahead of us, writes in the journals left at each shelter, he sometimes writes a fun nature fact along with his name. I read one that informed me of what kind of trees/bushes we've been seeing. There are these shrubs with flat, glossy, year-round leaves  that tend to grow in moist areas - usually around streams. If you're out of water, follow these trees to find a source! They are apparently Catawbiense Rhododendron! It feels good to be able to put a name with these plentiful shrubs. 

On a side note, I'm really wishing I knew more about the forest, so I could tell what I was looking at. I'm realizing I know very few names of different types of foliage. I can only separate trees into two catagories: evergreens and not evergreens (to be fair, I can identify some trees, I'm only exaggerating due to my frustration at how little I know). We recently met a man from the U.P. (another Michigander! Woot woot!) who, after he retired, went back to school and got a second Masters in Forestry since he loves being outdoors so much. He is a true wealth of knowledge regarding the forest, and Christianity since his other Masters is in Theology. Quite an interesting guy - very intelligent and a fast talker! He clued me in on my next question:

2) I don't remember if I mentioned this on my blog or not (it's in my journal, though!), but back in Georgia we hiked through about a mile and a half of dead forest leading up to Wayah Bald. I was very puzzled about why it was all dead. Every tree, regardless to type, was nothing but a tall trunk without any branches, covered is various types of mosses. However, there were many young saplings growing up, about to bud. I ruled out acid rain, invasive bugs or plants, fire, frost, storms, and pollution. I couldn't figure out the cause, and it was maddening! Forrester Gump (trail-name of the gentleman I was typing about up there^), believes it is a case of perpetual dieback. He thinks the combination of too much moisture and too little soil causes the trees to continuously die off. 

3) I kept hearing this low, pulsing sound, almost like a helicopter starting up of a bouncy ball being dropped and slowly speeding up. I thought it was something man-made, but it was everywhere! A fellow thru-hiker, ghostbuster, informed me, days after I had gone crazy trying to figure out what the sound was, that it was a grouse! We actually saw one a week or so ago - cute little bird, slowly waddling it's way off the path in front of us. Apparently, it is very rare to see one (although hearing them is a regular occurrence out in the middle of nowhere), but at the time we didn't realize how lucky we were to have spotted one, not 6 feet away!

Expectations

I have been disappointed by how much trash hikers leave around campsites and shelters: dirty hats and shirts, broken tent poles, lots of food wrappers, and hand warmers. I had expected other hikers to love nature (why else would you be out here?), but not all of them do. Some people are out here to get away from responsibility - no job, no school, no family. Younger hikers especially seem to be out here to have a good time - hang out with friends, new and old, smoke weed, and lots of it, and get drunk when they get into towns. I had expected to find a community of hikers who were out here for more noble reasons or had goals for their trip, which there are many such hikers. I had just expected more of that kind and fewer of the former.

Spring is Here! Friends, Foliage, and Fullness of Life

It was really good to hang out with Gabe and Becky for a few days. It reminded me of the important of community and responsibility to family. It was also great to finally meet them and their two sweet children! They were so kind and hospitable, and for once a child actually liked me more than they liked Adam!!!

The last few days the forest floor has been covered in tiny white and pink five-petaled flowers! Spring is here! The tiny (and not so tiny) green sprouts of plants are my favorite, though. I like how many of their leaves are already formed under the earth, and as they push up out of the dirt they uncurl, unfold, or untwist. What a wonder.

Quote from Nouwen, again (you wouldn't expect any less): "When you find your mind competing again, you might plan on 'empty time' of meditation, in this way interrupting the vicious circle of your ruminations and entering into the depth of your own soul. There you can be with Him who was before you came, who loved you before you could love, and who has given you your own self before any comparison was possible. In meditation we can come to the affirmation that we are not created by other people but by God, that we are not judged by how we compare with others but how we fulfill the will of God." Nouwen wrote this about his struggles with low self-esteem. Although my trouble is actually with high self-esteem, or, rather, pride (not in who I am, but in who I could or will be. Fantasizing about the future, as per usual), meditation is also a great practice to remind me of who I really am. "When I can say with Paul, 'Not I live, but Christ lives in me,' then I no longer need to depend on the attention of others to have a sense of self. Because then I realize that my most important identity is the identity I have received as a grace of God and which has made me a participant in the divine life of God Himself."(Nouwen, again. You can't get away from this guy in my blog!)

Here in Hot Springs we stopped by a Hiker Ministry - just a little building with couches, refreshments, computers, and a shower, all free of charge! The lemon cake and goat cheese where my two favorite snacks there, although the cup of chai was delicious as well (I'm trying to stop drinking coffee...). I grabbed a book off their shelf to look at, something about Women and Nature: Poetry and Photos. As I took a step back to retreat to the couch, I noticed another, much smaller book that had been hiding behind the testament to Woman's artistic, natural side: The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection. Not only was the title regarding my present goal for my hike (Practicing the Presence of God), but it was newly translated by a Delaney! Not just any Delaney, but one that shares the same name as my brother and grandfather - John! And to top it all off, the Foreword was written by none-other than the author of the book I am reading right now - Henri Nouwen! All signs pointed to me snagging this book. I asked, and the hostess looked a little perplexed, but then decided to make the executive decision to give it to me (it wasn't her book or her building, so kudos to her for her courage). I am looking forward to reading it!

Wishy-Washy

I am "a wishy-washy soul, wanting to keep a foot in both worlds" when I am "called to a radical break away from [my]self and a total surrender to God."

I have a very divided soul. I want so much to live a life completely devoted to unity and communion with God, yet the life of the world is so enticing. Choosing to live a life of a monk would not include worldly pleasures - a career, travel, kids. I have already chosen to get married, but what should I do now? I want to possibly pursue counseling and environmental science, but those passions are coming from me. If only I could give all to God, die to self, put to death my own passions to make room for His passions for me. I recently spent some time hiking repeating in my head that life is not meant to be spent following our passions, unless it is the Great Passion - communion with God. But the excitement of the possibilities of the future is almost impossible for me to deny. Although I wish to give my future entirely to God, I cannot control my dreaming.

"My fears and resulting fatigue over the last few years might well be diagnosed as a lack of single-mindedness, as a lack of one-eyedness, as a lack of simplicity. Indeed, how divided my heart has been and still is! I want to love God, but also to make a career. I want to be a good Christian, but also have my successes as a teacher, [writer, counselor, etc]. I want to be a saint, but also enjoy the sensations of the sinner. I want to be close to Christ but also popular and liked by many people. No wonder that living becomes a tiring enterprise. The characteristic of a saint it, to borrow Kierkegaard's words, 'to will one thing.' Well, I will more than one thing, am double-hearted, double-minded, and have a very divided loyalty."

I wish I lived by my convictions. I keep seeing glimpses of how my life could be when I am completely overtaken by God, and it's wonderful. It's crazy to think I would ever want anything else. Yet those glimpses are short-lived, and the "wonders" of the world are constantly surrounding me, calling me back to a lesser life. I need to change my surroundings and find a spiritual mentor.

Moss

We paused to get signal for our phone on a section of the path called the Sawteeth in the Smokies. As I was waiting I studied a section of forest next to the trail. In this four-foot square, we counted at least seven different types of moss. The forest is so beautiful and diverse, but it is often overlooked - even walking is too fast to notice and appreciate the forest.

Making a Project

"First of all, it is certainly very hard not to have such thoughts. Recognize them and let them pass. Secondly, keep doing simple work that can attract your attention. It is good to be interested in different types of rocks, in the songs of the birds, in the varieties of trees, etc. but don't make a project out of it. Just enjoy it and be present to where you are and what you are doing. And, finally, try to find your own rhythm. Ask yourself how much you can [hike] without it making you too tired to pray. It will take you a while to find your balance." - Nouwen's spiritual advisor

When I was reading about the control of thoughts in The Genesee Diary, I, too, wondered how to deal with my daydreams. Nouwen's spiritual advisor while at the monastery suggested enjoying nature, which fits in well to where I am at these days. I started thinking up all these things I should write about what I'm noticing in the forest (this is actually when I decided I should start my own blog). I ended up with this huge list of forest notes, such as beauties of moss, different rocks, birds, etc. All of a sudden, I realized I was turning this "simple work" into a project! I was no longer present to where I was, enjoying where I am at when I am there; I was thinking about the future (again!) - part of me hoping people would be impressed by my blog entries. Oh what a wretched soul am I! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!