"In my meeting with John Eudes [Nouwen's Spiritual Adviser] today I asked him about total commitment to Christ. During the past few weeks I have often had a sudden glimpse of the reality of being unconditionally committed to Christ, of total surrender to him. In that glimpse I also saw how divided I still am, how hesitantly I commit myself, with what reluctance I surrender. I realized how totally new my life would be if I made Christ my only concern and at the same time how really 'old' my life still is. I often say to myself, 'I am very interested in Christ but also in many other things.' That shows how uncommitted I am..." (Nouwen)
If only this weren't true of myself... but I wonder if it really is possible to reach total commitment. Especially being married, I find that I am still concerned with things of this world. There are many good biographies and works of saints that show this total commitment to Christ. That Oneness is something I have always coveted yet been unable to grasp. These stories of saints are almost all stories of unmarried martyrs, so I am unsure how to relate their experiences with my own, married life. The church has a history of praising unmarried saints while ignoring the work of married couples. This alienates the life of martyrdom from the lives of most everyday people and fails to give good examples and guidance for us married Christians on how to live unconditionally devoted to Christ. I have found most contemporary Christian books on marriage to be too watered down with the things of this world, and thus, do not encourage me to live the radical, committed-to-Christ lifestyle I desire. I am not blaming the Church or modern Christian authors for my lack of commitment and divided soul; this is a problem of being a human living in a fallen world, but I wish the Church better equipped us to live in the world but not be of the world.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Paranioa, Rejection, and Opinions
I got sick back in Glasgow, VA, with what I thought was food poisoning. My standards for what I will put in my body has dropped way too low! Since Adam didn't get sick (we thought it was because he was smart enough not to eat what I had eaten), I did not think it was Noro-virus. Unfortunately, a week later, Adam got sick as well, so now we've spent two, and will be spending one more, days in Waynsboro, VA, right before Shenandoah National Park (the last 100 miles of Virginia!). Most hikers get Noro-virus once while on the trail. It's really just a one-to-two day stomach bug, but it's still no fun! We spent all of yesterday laying in bed (although I'm not still sick, I really haven't felt 100% since I got sick last week, so I didn't complain!).
I've been a bit paranoid that my No Changes Necessary post would alienate some of my friends. I don't actually know how many of my friends read this blog, so maybe I have no need to worry. I have always had an insane desire to please, which I now believe is rooted in a fear of rejection. Not that I've ever really felt truly rejected - I have always felt completely safe and loved by my family. Theoretically, I assumed that if you have loving and nurturing parents, you wouldn't worry about rejection, but that is not the case. All growing up, I was extremely shy. Pre-Jr. High only had a few friends, and I would always feel rejected if they didn't want to hang out with me. In High School I had lots of friends, but I was only close to a few, and the rest I failed to make an effort to grow closer to based out of my fear that they wouldn't find me interesting or like me.
I am not sure what it was about me that made my few close friends growing up to become such good friends. I am not sure why Sarah and Michelle approached me back when we were so young, because there is no way I approached them, as shy as I was! Looking back, I am so thankful for their friendships! It amazes me that these two beautiful, outgoing, joyous girls have stuck by me all these years. Thank you. As for my relationships with guys, I have never been dumped because I would never allow myself to be interested in any guys that didn't show a complete interest in me.
All my years, I have been so concerned with self-preservation that I would act in whatever way I thought my friends wanted me to act. Even now, I'm pretty sure that most of my pre-college friends don't realize what a nut I am! When I got to college, I found out that I barely knew who I was. I'm always reminded of the scene in the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts realizes that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs prepared because she would always order them however her man at the time would order them. As silly as that sounds, that was totally me.
In college, I finally felt free to discover who I was, and I found out that I actually do have a lot of opinions! And most of them are considered kind of radical. As seen in No Changes Necessary, I'm convicted about how I change my appearance - realizing that, for myself, there is a tension between my desire to look beautiful and my desire to be wholeheartedly devoted to God. I try not to eat meat at restaurants or buy it in the store because of how inhumanely those animals (God's creation) are treated. I try not to buy clothes at department stores because of how inhumanely the factory workers are treated in third-world countries (it gets hard to stomach seeing "Made in Cambodia" tags once you actually meet and talk with some of these Cambodian women stuck in these horrible jobs with little pay, no job security, forced overtime, inhumane conditions, and unlikely to ever see their families again). Same with most foods - harvested in Mexico, Guatemala, Indonesia, Nicaragua, even the US, etc. We gave away our car when we left for the trail because we're convicted about using it - the oil wars, the pollution, and even being alienated from other people in everyone's separate cars. I support raising the minimum wage, especially after realizing that most people working at minimum wage are not actually teenagers! They're middle age men and women (who I worked alongside while at Target for the past 1.5 years) who could not afford higher education and are stuck working for $8 an hour trying to support their families, which means they must rely on welfare to feed their families, even though they're working 35-40 hours a week (or more, since many of them have to have two jobs). And yes, I voted for the Green Party candidate in the last elections (not that I affiliate myself with or support everything they stand for, but I don't particularly care for any political party).
I know I have a lot of convictions that many of my friends don't share, and that's okay. If I were to only be friends with people who thought the same as me, I would really be missing out. I love it that my friends have opinions that are different from my own, and I think it says a lot about how good these friendships are - way more important and stronger than our political views. And yes, although Michelle might be a republican and Sarah might not support raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour, we still all support each other, and that is the true meaning of sisterly-love.
I've been a bit paranoid that my No Changes Necessary post would alienate some of my friends. I don't actually know how many of my friends read this blog, so maybe I have no need to worry. I have always had an insane desire to please, which I now believe is rooted in a fear of rejection. Not that I've ever really felt truly rejected - I have always felt completely safe and loved by my family. Theoretically, I assumed that if you have loving and nurturing parents, you wouldn't worry about rejection, but that is not the case. All growing up, I was extremely shy. Pre-Jr. High only had a few friends, and I would always feel rejected if they didn't want to hang out with me. In High School I had lots of friends, but I was only close to a few, and the rest I failed to make an effort to grow closer to based out of my fear that they wouldn't find me interesting or like me.
I am not sure what it was about me that made my few close friends growing up to become such good friends. I am not sure why Sarah and Michelle approached me back when we were so young, because there is no way I approached them, as shy as I was! Looking back, I am so thankful for their friendships! It amazes me that these two beautiful, outgoing, joyous girls have stuck by me all these years. Thank you. As for my relationships with guys, I have never been dumped because I would never allow myself to be interested in any guys that didn't show a complete interest in me.
All my years, I have been so concerned with self-preservation that I would act in whatever way I thought my friends wanted me to act. Even now, I'm pretty sure that most of my pre-college friends don't realize what a nut I am! When I got to college, I found out that I barely knew who I was. I'm always reminded of the scene in the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts realizes that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs prepared because she would always order them however her man at the time would order them. As silly as that sounds, that was totally me.
In college, I finally felt free to discover who I was, and I found out that I actually do have a lot of opinions! And most of them are considered kind of radical. As seen in No Changes Necessary, I'm convicted about how I change my appearance - realizing that, for myself, there is a tension between my desire to look beautiful and my desire to be wholeheartedly devoted to God. I try not to eat meat at restaurants or buy it in the store because of how inhumanely those animals (God's creation) are treated. I try not to buy clothes at department stores because of how inhumanely the factory workers are treated in third-world countries (it gets hard to stomach seeing "Made in Cambodia" tags once you actually meet and talk with some of these Cambodian women stuck in these horrible jobs with little pay, no job security, forced overtime, inhumane conditions, and unlikely to ever see their families again). Same with most foods - harvested in Mexico, Guatemala, Indonesia, Nicaragua, even the US, etc. We gave away our car when we left for the trail because we're convicted about using it - the oil wars, the pollution, and even being alienated from other people in everyone's separate cars. I support raising the minimum wage, especially after realizing that most people working at minimum wage are not actually teenagers! They're middle age men and women (who I worked alongside while at Target for the past 1.5 years) who could not afford higher education and are stuck working for $8 an hour trying to support their families, which means they must rely on welfare to feed their families, even though they're working 35-40 hours a week (or more, since many of them have to have two jobs). And yes, I voted for the Green Party candidate in the last elections (not that I affiliate myself with or support everything they stand for, but I don't particularly care for any political party).
I know I have a lot of convictions that many of my friends don't share, and that's okay. If I were to only be friends with people who thought the same as me, I would really be missing out. I love it that my friends have opinions that are different from my own, and I think it says a lot about how good these friendships are - way more important and stronger than our political views. And yes, although Michelle might be a republican and Sarah might not support raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour, we still all support each other, and that is the true meaning of sisterly-love.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Nature's Nectar
More edibles we've been adding to our diet: mint (I forgot to add this one to the last list), chives, sassafras, tart hearts, strawberries, and clover nectar.
I still remember the first time I tried sassafras root. My dad and I were at daddy-daughter camp that week. We took a canoe trip over to the other side of the lake where my dad dug up a root for me to try. Too bad we sent back our camp cup, or else I'd try making some sassafras tea!
Tart hearts is the name Adam came up with for this plant since I didn't know the name of what I was trying to feed him. They look like clovers, but the leaves are perfect hearts, and, yes, they're a bit tart. They're a nice little snack while you're hiking. I believe it was my Grandma Wicker that showed me these gems.
The morels seem to be done for the season down here, and we haven't seen any ramps lately either.
We tried our first wild strawberries of the season a few days ago! Although they were very red (and very tiny), they didn't taste so great - more like watered down strawberry smoothie. I'm really looking forward to raspberries, black raspberries, blackberries, apples, pears, blueberries, and mulberries in our future! I keep pointing out the plants to Adam, and he keeps getting excited thinking there's already fruit on them! Not yet, but soon :) I'm really missing having my own garden this year, but these wild edibles will have to suffice.
I still remember the first time I tried sassafras root. My dad and I were at daddy-daughter camp that week. We took a canoe trip over to the other side of the lake where my dad dug up a root for me to try. Too bad we sent back our camp cup, or else I'd try making some sassafras tea!
Tart hearts is the name Adam came up with for this plant since I didn't know the name of what I was trying to feed him. They look like clovers, but the leaves are perfect hearts, and, yes, they're a bit tart. They're a nice little snack while you're hiking. I believe it was my Grandma Wicker that showed me these gems.
The morels seem to be done for the season down here, and we haven't seen any ramps lately either.
We tried our first wild strawberries of the season a few days ago! Although they were very red (and very tiny), they didn't taste so great - more like watered down strawberry smoothie. I'm really looking forward to raspberries, black raspberries, blackberries, apples, pears, blueberries, and mulberries in our future! I keep pointing out the plants to Adam, and he keeps getting excited thinking there's already fruit on them! Not yet, but soon :) I'm really missing having my own garden this year, but these wild edibles will have to suffice.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Maintain My Zeal
"Do not conform outwardly to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind." (Romans 12)
During our zero in Daleville, I watched a lot of TV (first time since getting on the trail, thank goodness!) while resting up in our hotel room. By the end of our time there I could really feel myself getting sucked back in by the world. "Say Yes to the Dress" had me wishing I had spent more time, effort, and money looking for my perfect wedding dress two years ago (and I don't even like shopping, hence why I bought the first dress I tried on when I got back from Guate). Looking at all the celebrities and models on the commercials had me wishing my face looked more unique and stunning. Laying in a bed made me wish for more material comforts. We were only off the trail for one day, and I already lost sight of who I want, and should, be! Living intentionally takes much more intentionality than I'm apparently giving it.
"True contemplatives, then, are not the ones who withdraw from the world to save their own souls, but are the ones who enter into the center of the world and pray to God from there." (Genesee Diary).
I see this hike as a type of sabbatical, taking time off from the "real world" to focus on my spiritual life/relationship with God. It can be very beneficial to "withdraw from the world" for a period of time, if only to prepare me to face the world head on when the time comes. After suffering from burnout in my college years, a good summer of doubt before graduation, and a few lazy years of recuperation, this hike comes at a good time. I look forward to jumping back into the thick of the world when I return. Hopefully I will learn how to maintain my zeal after the trail.
"Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold." (Romans 12)
During our zero in Daleville, I watched a lot of TV (first time since getting on the trail, thank goodness!) while resting up in our hotel room. By the end of our time there I could really feel myself getting sucked back in by the world. "Say Yes to the Dress" had me wishing I had spent more time, effort, and money looking for my perfect wedding dress two years ago (and I don't even like shopping, hence why I bought the first dress I tried on when I got back from Guate). Looking at all the celebrities and models on the commercials had me wishing my face looked more unique and stunning. Laying in a bed made me wish for more material comforts. We were only off the trail for one day, and I already lost sight of who I want, and should, be! Living intentionally takes much more intentionality than I'm apparently giving it.
"True contemplatives, then, are not the ones who withdraw from the world to save their own souls, but are the ones who enter into the center of the world and pray to God from there." (Genesee Diary).
I see this hike as a type of sabbatical, taking time off from the "real world" to focus on my spiritual life/relationship with God. It can be very beneficial to "withdraw from the world" for a period of time, if only to prepare me to face the world head on when the time comes. After suffering from burnout in my college years, a good summer of doubt before graduation, and a few lazy years of recuperation, this hike comes at a good time. I look forward to jumping back into the thick of the world when I return. Hopefully I will learn how to maintain my zeal after the trail.
"Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold." (Romans 12)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
No Changes Necessary
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:24-25.
I've been thinking a lot about how I want to live after the trail. As of now, it looks like we'll be moving to New York City in the Fall for a bit, and I've been envisioning my everyday life: wake up at 5am, one hour of yoga/meditation/prayer, 30 minutes of Bible reading with a cup of tea, and a healthy breakfast, go to work (either bicycle or mass transit - gave my car to Josiah already), work wherever I find work, hopefully in refugee support or teaching English as a Second Language (We're getting certified when we get back thanks to a groupon discount), hang out with roommates Jacob and Jenna, maybe a double date once a week?, and go to bed around 9pm so I can get my full 8 hours of sleep. Take Spanish classes. Drink wine. Try out a Vegan diet. Cut gluten. etc. Sounds great, eh? haha This was also my plan when we moved to G-Rap, but that didn't happen... but I'll try harder in NYC.
I've also been debating with myself about how I will dress or look when I get out of the woods. Will I get rid of most my clothes? Will I wear makeup? Will I look stylish, or will I not care? Looking good, for me, has always been deeply connected to both vanity and finding my identity and value in how I look. I wish I could say that wasn't so, but I notice a difference in the way people treat me based on if I made myself up or if I just rolled out of bed, pulled my hair up, and put on a t-shirt and jeans, and I like being noticed. I also believe that style can just be expressing creativity and art, which I would say is a good, God given expression. But what does the Lord desire of me? Those verses in John 12 really make me wonder what it means to hate your life in this world/ There are many things of this world that make me sick, but what about my own vanity? Will wearing makeup and dressing nice get in the way of me dying to self, picking up my cross, and following Jesus? Will it make me less like Jesus to care how I look? I want to life wholeheartedly for Him, but I've still got one foot firmly planed in the world.
Nouwen was also thinking about how he would live his life out of the monastery, and for a while he thought about donning the monk's robes in his everyday life to live simply. He spiritual advisor told his it would not be a good idea, because he would be making a spectacle of himself. Although I do not want to make a spectacle of myself, I also don't want to get drawn into what society thinks is beautiful. At one of the shelters, someone left an issue of Cosmopolitan. I had never read one before, but any kind of reading material is usually welcome on the trail (a few shelters ago someone had left a Backpacking magazine and a greatest adventures from Time magazine. Those were great!). What a culture shock! All about makeup, hair, Botox, and clothing. The underlying message was that women are not beautiful the way God made them, but they can be if they just... changed their hair, tried different makeup, wore nicer clothes, got injections under their eyes to reduce dark areas or puffiness, got boob jobs (the actress who plays Penny on The Big Bang Theory and was the cover for this issue says that her boob job she got at 18 was the best decision she ever made), and the list continues. The most absurd page was one where, at the top, it had a picture of a news crew with red pen marks circling what they would photoshop if the picture was in Cosmo, and, right underneath in big letters, it said "Love Yourself." Could they send more of a mixed message?!?!? I was so angry by the time I got through skimming it. They have articles about how women should be more confident, but then they tell them they aren't good enough as they are. And although I would never go to the extreme of getting a boob job, I will admit that injecting some fat under my eyes is an idea I've played with. It's annoying and embarrassing to explain that, "no, I don't have a black eye, and no, I have gotten enough sleep, I just have thin skin under my eyes that create dark shadows." But I don't want to fall into that trap! I am perfect just the way God made me, and I wish our culture didn't put so much pressure on women to be "perfect." Our culture has already got me shaving my legs and under my arms, but I really wish people would admire and accept women (and men) the way they were made. No changes necessary.
I've been thinking a lot about how I want to live after the trail. As of now, it looks like we'll be moving to New York City in the Fall for a bit, and I've been envisioning my everyday life: wake up at 5am, one hour of yoga/meditation/prayer, 30 minutes of Bible reading with a cup of tea, and a healthy breakfast, go to work (either bicycle or mass transit - gave my car to Josiah already), work wherever I find work, hopefully in refugee support or teaching English as a Second Language (We're getting certified when we get back thanks to a groupon discount), hang out with roommates Jacob and Jenna, maybe a double date once a week?, and go to bed around 9pm so I can get my full 8 hours of sleep. Take Spanish classes. Drink wine. Try out a Vegan diet. Cut gluten. etc. Sounds great, eh? haha This was also my plan when we moved to G-Rap, but that didn't happen... but I'll try harder in NYC.
I've also been debating with myself about how I will dress or look when I get out of the woods. Will I get rid of most my clothes? Will I wear makeup? Will I look stylish, or will I not care? Looking good, for me, has always been deeply connected to both vanity and finding my identity and value in how I look. I wish I could say that wasn't so, but I notice a difference in the way people treat me based on if I made myself up or if I just rolled out of bed, pulled my hair up, and put on a t-shirt and jeans, and I like being noticed. I also believe that style can just be expressing creativity and art, which I would say is a good, God given expression. But what does the Lord desire of me? Those verses in John 12 really make me wonder what it means to hate your life in this world/ There are many things of this world that make me sick, but what about my own vanity? Will wearing makeup and dressing nice get in the way of me dying to self, picking up my cross, and following Jesus? Will it make me less like Jesus to care how I look? I want to life wholeheartedly for Him, but I've still got one foot firmly planed in the world.
Nouwen was also thinking about how he would live his life out of the monastery, and for a while he thought about donning the monk's robes in his everyday life to live simply. He spiritual advisor told his it would not be a good idea, because he would be making a spectacle of himself. Although I do not want to make a spectacle of myself, I also don't want to get drawn into what society thinks is beautiful. At one of the shelters, someone left an issue of Cosmopolitan. I had never read one before, but any kind of reading material is usually welcome on the trail (a few shelters ago someone had left a Backpacking magazine and a greatest adventures from Time magazine. Those were great!). What a culture shock! All about makeup, hair, Botox, and clothing. The underlying message was that women are not beautiful the way God made them, but they can be if they just... changed their hair, tried different makeup, wore nicer clothes, got injections under their eyes to reduce dark areas or puffiness, got boob jobs (the actress who plays Penny on The Big Bang Theory and was the cover for this issue says that her boob job she got at 18 was the best decision she ever made), and the list continues. The most absurd page was one where, at the top, it had a picture of a news crew with red pen marks circling what they would photoshop if the picture was in Cosmo, and, right underneath in big letters, it said "Love Yourself." Could they send more of a mixed message?!?!? I was so angry by the time I got through skimming it. They have articles about how women should be more confident, but then they tell them they aren't good enough as they are. And although I would never go to the extreme of getting a boob job, I will admit that injecting some fat under my eyes is an idea I've played with. It's annoying and embarrassing to explain that, "no, I don't have a black eye, and no, I have gotten enough sleep, I just have thin skin under my eyes that create dark shadows." But I don't want to fall into that trap! I am perfect just the way God made me, and I wish our culture didn't put so much pressure on women to be "perfect." Our culture has already got me shaving my legs and under my arms, but I really wish people would admire and accept women (and men) the way they were made. No changes necessary.
Friday, May 2, 2014
What an Experience
"Certain experiences may be transmitted by language, others - more profound - by silence... Never mind. Who says that experiences are made to be shared? They must be lived. That's all. And who says that trust is made to be revealed? It must be sought. That's all." (The Genesee Diary). I would love to share my experience on the Trail with everyone back home, but there is so much here that I cannot begin to express. This hike means more to me than just what I publish on my blog, but in order to discover the wonders of living in the woods for 6 months, you all need to try this yourself!
Edibles we've been adding to our diet: ramps (wild leeks), dandelion leaves, violets (both leaves and flowers), morel mushrooms.
We saw a tiny, two inch long black snake yesterday, with a yellow band around its neck. It was pretty cute, and Adam kept saying it was a worm. We also got to see wild ponies! So cute (pictures on Adam's blog). One of them had been well trained by previous hikers; when we sat at the shelter for a midmorning snack, it moseyed its way over to beg for food. It tired going through my open pack, so I had to shut it or it might have taken off with my gloves!
Edibles we've been adding to our diet: ramps (wild leeks), dandelion leaves, violets (both leaves and flowers), morel mushrooms.
We saw a tiny, two inch long black snake yesterday, with a yellow band around its neck. It was pretty cute, and Adam kept saying it was a worm. We also got to see wild ponies! So cute (pictures on Adam's blog). One of them had been well trained by previous hikers; when we sat at the shelter for a midmorning snack, it moseyed its way over to beg for food. It tired going through my open pack, so I had to shut it or it might have taken off with my gloves!
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