"In my meeting with John Eudes [Nouwen's Spiritual Adviser] today I asked him about total commitment to Christ. During the past few weeks I have often had a sudden glimpse of the reality of being unconditionally committed to Christ, of total surrender to him. In that glimpse I also saw how divided I still am, how hesitantly I commit myself, with what reluctance I surrender. I realized how totally new my life would be if I made Christ my only concern and at the same time how really 'old' my life still is. I often say to myself, 'I am very interested in Christ but also in many other things.' That shows how uncommitted I am..." (Nouwen)
If only this weren't true of myself... but I wonder if it really is possible to reach total commitment. Especially being married, I find that I am still concerned with things of this world. There are many good biographies and works of saints that show this total commitment to Christ. That Oneness is something I have always coveted yet been unable to grasp. These stories of saints are almost all stories of unmarried martyrs, so I am unsure how to relate their experiences with my own, married life. The church has a history of praising unmarried saints while ignoring the work of married couples. This alienates the life of martyrdom from the lives of most everyday people and fails to give good examples and guidance for us married Christians on how to live unconditionally devoted to Christ. I have found most contemporary Christian books on marriage to be too watered down with the things of this world, and thus, do not encourage me to live the radical, committed-to-Christ lifestyle I desire. I am not blaming the Church or modern Christian authors for my lack of commitment and divided soul; this is a problem of being a human living in a fallen world, but I wish the Church better equipped us to live in the world but not be of the world.
Good thoughts. It is God's plan that most of us marry. As such, becoming one with your mate is a major act of devotion to God. And in a sense, it is God's will that your attention is divided between Him and engagement in the world, because we must be seeking to please our mate.
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