"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:24-25.
I've been thinking a lot about how I want to live after the trail. As of now, it looks like we'll be moving to New York City in the Fall for a bit, and I've been envisioning my everyday life: wake up at 5am, one hour of yoga/meditation/prayer, 30 minutes of Bible reading with a cup of tea, and a healthy breakfast, go to work (either bicycle or mass transit - gave my car to Josiah already), work wherever I find work, hopefully in refugee support or teaching English as a Second Language (We're getting certified when we get back thanks to a groupon discount), hang out with roommates Jacob and Jenna, maybe a double date once a week?, and go to bed around 9pm so I can get my full 8 hours of sleep. Take Spanish classes. Drink wine. Try out a Vegan diet. Cut gluten. etc. Sounds great, eh? haha This was also my plan when we moved to G-Rap, but that didn't happen... but I'll try harder in NYC.
I've also been debating with myself about how I will dress or look when I get out of the woods. Will I get rid of most my clothes? Will I wear makeup? Will I look stylish, or will I not care? Looking good, for me, has always been deeply connected to both vanity and finding my identity and value in how I look. I wish I could say that wasn't so, but I notice a difference in the way people treat me based on if I made myself up or if I just rolled out of bed, pulled my hair up, and put on a t-shirt and jeans, and I like being noticed. I also believe that style can just be expressing creativity and art, which I would say is a good, God given expression. But what does the Lord desire of me? Those verses in John 12 really make me wonder what it means to hate your life in this world/ There are many things of this world that make me sick, but what about my own vanity? Will wearing makeup and dressing nice get in the way of me dying to self, picking up my cross, and following Jesus? Will it make me less like Jesus to care how I look? I want to life wholeheartedly for Him, but I've still got one foot firmly planed in the world.
Nouwen was also thinking about how he would live his life out of the monastery, and for a while he thought about donning the monk's robes in his everyday life to live simply. He spiritual advisor told his it would not be a good idea, because he would be making a spectacle of himself. Although I do not want to make a spectacle of myself, I also don't want to get drawn into what society thinks is beautiful. At one of the shelters, someone left an issue of Cosmopolitan. I had never read one before, but any kind of reading material is usually welcome on the trail (a few shelters ago someone had left a Backpacking magazine and a greatest adventures from Time magazine. Those were great!). What a culture shock! All about makeup, hair, Botox, and clothing. The underlying message was that women are not beautiful the way God made them, but they can be if they just... changed their hair, tried different makeup, wore nicer clothes, got injections under their eyes to reduce dark areas or puffiness, got boob jobs (the actress who plays Penny on The Big Bang Theory and was the cover for this issue says that her boob job she got at 18 was the best decision she ever made), and the list continues. The most absurd page was one where, at the top, it had a picture of a news crew with red pen marks circling what they would photoshop if the picture was in Cosmo, and, right underneath in big letters, it said "Love Yourself." Could they send more of a mixed message?!?!? I was so angry by the time I got through skimming it. They have articles about how women should be more confident, but then they tell them they aren't good enough as they are. And although I would never go to the extreme of getting a boob job, I will admit that injecting some fat under my eyes is an idea I've played with. It's annoying and embarrassing to explain that, "no, I don't have a black eye, and no, I have gotten enough sleep, I just have thin skin under my eyes that create dark shadows." But I don't want to fall into that trap! I am perfect just the way God made me, and I wish our culture didn't put so much pressure on women to be "perfect." Our culture has already got me shaving my legs and under my arms, but I really wish people would admire and accept women (and men) the way they were made. No changes necessary.
You know I have struggled with this on and off for like... years. Living at college, living in Africa, trying to find out who I was from those places.... but what I come to is I like to look nice sometimes and sometimes I don't... and I wear what sounds good and I wear what I want! It doesn't make us who we are and we won't remember it anyways, but it if makes us happy for a short minute and we feel good in it, then it serves its purpose. :) Maybe it doesn't help at all, but I go with this style theory. And Cosmopolitan.... eew. :P
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